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[00:00:00] Kimber: Welcome back to the "Just Be Your Bad Self" podcast where you get to show up imperfectly,, make space for your authentic self, remember your inner child and sink into the magic of the present moment. I'm your host, Kimber Dutton. And today I'll be telling a little bit of my story.
[00:00:25] I recorded the following on my phone, without the intention of actually using it for my podcast. My plan was just to get some thoughts out, to rewrite the transcript and then deliver a more polished version of my story. But as I was listening back to my thoughts, I realized that I needed to share the raw shaky unprofessionally recorded version of this because people need to hear realness.
[00:00:46] And that's what this podcast is about. It's about realness. It's about making mistakes. It's about raw authenticity. So without further ado, here are my unpolished musings of the day.
[00:01:01] So I've rerecorded and rewritten this podcast episode. 10 times. And I kept getting stuck because I keep trying to make these generalized statements about, we like, like the truths that I want to share with you are these global truths.
[00:01:18] And the truth is I don't know that they are, so I've decided I need to share my story because I know what's true for me and I know what I've gone through and I know how. How to explore my own worthiness. And so I'm going to start sharing my story here. Every few episodes I'll, I'll share a little bit more and as I explore my own worthiness and where my perfectionistic tendencies originate, I hope that at least some of it resonates with those of you listening and that this can be a process that we explore together. And maybe you ask these questions for yourself. Where did, where did these feelings of unworthiness and perfection come from for you?
[00:02:01] So this podcast episode, I want to talk about this sense of mistrust I have for myself, because I think that's a huge obstacle I have in expressing my own authenticity.
[00:02:14] I grew up in. I grew up in a functional family. I had two parents that were married, loved me. Most of you know, by now I, I grew up in the, the LDS church or some may know it as the Mormon church, we went to church every Sunday. I never questioned that my parents loved me,
[00:02:32] but, I know that there are people out there who grew up in families, where they were actually told you are trash. I don't love you. Or, or messages of unworthiness. I don't feel that I got that from my family. I knew I was loved.
[00:02:47] I think that my sense of never-enough-ness came from the fact that I was raised in such a, a functional household. And I've always felt two things. It's this is twofold. One, that there is a right way to do things. That was definitely a message I received a lot growing up, both from my family. You know, any public school I attended. Well, and I was homeschooled and I would say I received it in homeschool too, the one, right way message.
[00:03:18] And, and the other is I never felt like I had an excuse for not doing the right thing. And for not living up to everybody's expectations because. I didn't have, , I didn't come from, I don't come from a background of physical, emotional, sexual abuse. I was in a solidly middle-class family. I'm white.
[00:03:44] And so I think I've always, even before I knew the term white privilege, I think I've always been very aware of my privilege. And even from my own parents who had harder lives than I did growing up. I think a lot of times I heard the message growing up, like, well, you should be grateful.
[00:04:02] Or why are you complaining about this? You have it so easy. And so I think a lot of times growing up my needs were invalidated because of my privilege. I have privilege, therefore I shouldn't have needs. And so I, I grew up feeling both that my needs are invalid and I shouldn't have them because I have such a great life that I should be focused on taking care of others and I should be meeting and exceeding all expectations of me because I came from this awesome functional relatively, emotionally healthy background.
[00:04:35] So I developed a great mistrust of myself because I have two very intelligent parents and I knew from a young age that they knew better than I did. My dad's a family practice doctor. He's very good at his job. My mom has her degree in English literature very, very intelligent people who I knew loved me and believed and still believe have and had my best interests at heart.
[00:05:04] And because I was raised by these two intelligent, loving people I grew up believing that whatever they thought was best for me. Was best for me. And, and it got to the point where and it's still, if I'm being totally honest, I'm still struggling at the age of 32 making my own decisions. I'm getting better at it.
[00:05:23] I feel this last year I've really started stepping into my own, but it is hard for me to make decisions without the approval of my parents. And not even just approval without them saying, yep. That is the right way because I grew up in a very right way. Wrong way, household. I ended up marrying a very perfectionistic husband and same thing.
[00:05:47] I think with him, there is a very right way wrong way mentality. And I think, I would guess that part of the reason I was so attracted to him is because he had this, he has this amazing sense of. Of self-trust and it made me feel safe because I don't have that. Or I have not had that in the past. And I've depended on other people who I believe are older and wiser and more experienced than I am to help me make my life decisions and I'm sharing this because I'm ready to start trusting myself because I've realized that even though these people in my life-- and there are more than just these three there's siblings and teachers and other people that I look up to-- that I want them to tell me, like, what is.
[00:06:37] What is my life supposed to be about what am I supposed to do? And this has always been such a huge struggle for me. And it's interesting because I've always been obsessed with authenticity. When I was about 13, my mom showed me the Myers-Briggs personality tests, and I became obsessed with personality tests because in a way they told me who I was, what I was supposed to, like, what careers would be a good fit for me, the right fit for me. Um, and I think I've looked and sometimes still look to these personality tests, astrology, whatever, , as an outsourcing of my own autonomy, because I don't trust myself. I don't have a lot of experience making decisions for myself and taking the responsibility of those decisions
[00:07:25] Either I would make decisions that I felt good about, but so did the people around me that I was looking to for help. And so, so they got the credit for those decisions. Um, did have I ever, Hmm. There's not a lot of decisions I've made in my life that I felt I could fully take the credit for. And there's power in that in making your own decisions, even if, and maybe especially when they're bad decisions because they were yours and you don't have anybody to blame or resent.
[00:07:53] When you make good decisions, then that's you too, , and of course it's good to surround ourselves with people that have our best interests at heart, but, but it is even more important not to outsource our own autonomy. And why is that important? Because. It's our life. This is the one. And I will say, since I've stepped away from the LDS church, my whole mindset around this has completely shifted because I grew up thinking that there was one right way and that that one right way was what was going to get me to heaven. What's going to keep me with all these people I love after I die. That's what God wanted. It's what ensured that I would receive love. And that's what would make me a good person. And in fact, there's a quote.
[00:08:37] And I think this is a sentiment shared widely by a lot of religions. This is from Manuel Fonseca. And he says,
[00:08:47] " Trusting yourself as the opposite of trusting God, if you trust God totally. As you must, you must mistrust yourself. If you trust yourself, you're automatically mistrusting God.
[00:08:57] Faith is not enough. Modern psychology has lost its bearings when they insist that one must trust oneself. That position is unchristian."
[00:09:05] And I have to say as much as I don't want to, I kind of agree with that.
[00:09:10] I don't know that I had the, I don't think I had permission to trust myself within the structure of the church. I think, , you're taught God's ways are higher than man's and I'm highly aware that a lot of my listeners are Christian. Good God believing people, which is one reason I decided to just share my own story, because I don't know how, what I've discovered fits for everybody else, but this is how it's come together for me.
[00:09:38] So yes, my religion, this right wrong household, I grew up in and every time I say that, I hope everyone realizes I dearly love my family. That's part of the reason that I don't trust myself is because I love my family and know that they have my best interests at heart, but once you stop believing that there's one right way and one wrong way it all, the sudden opens up this whole world of, well, what do I want?
[00:10:06] What feels good to me? If I, and a big part of this is I no longer know what I believe about an afterlife, but I know I don't believe in the afterlife that I was taught to believe in. This afterlife, where you only get to go to the highest glory of heaven. If you've lived this perfect check all the boxes life, I don't believe in that afterlife anymore.
[00:10:30] And so, because I don't know if I even believe in an afterlife, I've really, it's become really important to me to make this life as good as it can be and as aligned with who I am as it can be. And so I think that's probably why I named my podcast "Just Be Your Bad Self," because I'm wanting to step into this idea that what some people might label as bad is just a choice that they wouldn't make.
[00:10:58] And obviously I'm not talking about unethical decisions, but I would also argue that most decisions that harm truly harm. Other people are not in line with our true selves. There's this Chinese proverb that was shared with me recently that says
[00:11:14] "Tension is who you think you're supposed to be.
[00:11:16] Relaxation is who you are."
[00:11:18] And I think the same goes with hurting other people. I think sometimes we hurt other people because of who we think we're supposed to be. And not because of who we are. I think a lot of the hatred in the world and the racism and the homophobia and child abuse and almost every unfeeling act you can think of is because somehow people are trying to act like something they're not, I think at our true core, we are good humans that want to love each other.
[00:11:47] And it's all these supposed-tos that get in the way and warp that. I really do believe that. I think this, ideology of you have to mistrust yourself and only trust God strips us of the very best parts of ourselves, because I think we're all born with an, inate sense to love and to receive love.
[00:12:10] So, I don't even really have a takeaway for you all today, except I just felt like, as I learn from these beautiful people that I've been interviewing, I've really felt like it's also important that I share my story. I don't know why you can tell my voice is a little shaky. I feel vulnerable. I feel vulnerable because, because owning who you are is scary because when I'm being honest with people, that means that if they dislike me, it really is the real me that they're disliking.
[00:12:43] And I'm aware that by me being honest, I might disappoint some people. That's what this is all about. Right? It's. It's showing up as you and keeping the people around that, that match with that. And that's hard. It's not an easy thing to do, but I really do think it's important. So I'm going to keep sharing little bits and pieces of my life and my thoughts throughout this podcast.
[00:13:08] And I'm going to keep learning. I'm going to keep learning from the people I'm interviewing. I'm going to keep learning from all of the amazing books and classes and experiences that have been brought to my life recently. And I'm going to keep sharing with you because um, I feel passionately about this.
[00:13:23] Thanks for joining me today. If you want to interact with me and get more nurturing around living an authentic life, you can follow me on Instagram or Facebook at just be your bad self.
[00:13:45] Your invitation this week. Ask yourself the questions. What if my needs are valid? And where did I learn that they weren't? If you enjoyed this podcast and want to leave a review, subscribe to the podcast or share it, as always, you have my heart. That's it from me. Now, just be your bad self.
Here are some great episodes to start with!