In this episode, Jen Kane (Life Coach, Yoga Instructor, and Hypnotherapist) and Kimber talk about the importance of showing up for your own life in a multitude of ways:
Claiming your own happiness, practicing mindfulness, shedding patriarchal expectations and following the feelings of fun and alignment.
We also talk about setting a strong example for our kids, and the importance of "negative emotions" and ways to reframe them.
Follow Jen on instagram @heyjenkane
Follow Kimber on instagram @justbeyourbadself
For guest bios, episode transcripts or to leave a review, please visit: www.justbeyourbadself.com
Resources for further study
(As an Amazon Affiliate I get commissions for purchases made through any product links in this post. So if you like the podcast, this is a great way to support me!)
The Man Enough Podcast with ALOK
Abraham Hicks on Segment Intending
Will Smith: Your Happiness is Your responsibility
Welcome back to the, just be your bad self podcast. Where we're learning, how to show up for the world by showing up for ourselves. I'm really excited about the episode today. But before we get into that, I wanted to make a few announcements. First of all. I finally have the, just be your bad self website up and going.
With transcriptions, show notes and resources all up on the episodes pages. So if there's an episode where you hear us talking about a book or another podcast or anything like that, all the resources will be there on the ,website at www.justbeyourbadself.com . Also coming up is the first,Just Be Your Bad Self Retreat.. We are going to have workshops and massage and yoga, and we'll be in the beautiful red rocks of Southern Utah.
And there's also more information about that on the website. That'll be coming up end of January 2022. So if that's something you think you might be interested in the price will never be this low again, since this is our first time doing it. So now is a really great time to book that while the prices are so incredibly low.
I'm so excited that Jen Kane who I'm interviewing today will be there as one of the clinicians at the workshop. Jen Kane is an integrative life and mindset coach for women doing really cool things in the world. But pretty much anyone who's ever been in her zoom room just calls her a magician. She believes that every woman, () especially the highly ambitious) needs a place to come set it all down, sort through it and decide what to do next. Leaving you feeling lighter more joyful and ready to go make your Mark. And I think after you listen to our conversation today, you'll be really excited and won't want to miss getting the chance to work with her in both a group setting and one-on-one sessions at the retreat. So without further ado here is the interview with Jen and it is fabulous. And I'm excited for you to listen to it.
Kimber: Welcome to the podcast, Jen.
I want you to introduce yourself who you are, what you do, and then we'll get into it.
Jen: Let's do it.
Okay. So I am Jen Kane. I have four babies I say babies, but they're like ages four to 12, not really babies and a husband. And I live in Southern Utah and I just sit in my zoom room all day and coach women from all over the world.
Kimber: That's amazing. that's your full-time gig.
How'd you get into coaching?
Jen: Kind of a fun story. I have notebooks and notebooks and notebooks full of ideas. I was going to start a blog or I was going to write a book or , I was going to do something, but I never, I took a lot of what I call sideways action. I was moving and doing stuff, but nothing that moved me forward.
Wasn't really taking forward action on any of it. And then my fourth baby was born with an undiagnosed heart defect and she was life-flighted for surgery. He had surgery open heart surgery when she was three. And it was, , one of those defining moments of like, we might all be dead tomorrow, all of us.
And so if you're going to do something you don't have tomorrow promise you have to do it today, but I still didn't know what I wanted to do. So I went to this branding workshop and I was like, I'll just figure out a brand. And then decide what the brand is later. And so I've had this workshop and I'm going around the table the whole time, just like, Ooh.
And tell me about what you're doing and, oh, what are the struggles you're hitting into with that? And why did you want to do that? And, and just , coaching people essentially at the workshop. And then at the same workshop, I met someone who called herself a life coach. And I was like, tell me about that.
And I was like, oh, that's , what I've been doing my whole life. I just didn't realize it was a thing. And it was a profession and people could get paid for doing it. So I like to say , I've been coaching my whole life, but professionally for about four years.
Kimber: You went to a Branding workshop before you knew what you wanted your brand to be
Jen: Yes. And what's funny. What's funny is that I still don't really have a defined brand. I wouldn't say, , I never really got a brand. I just it's Alison Faulkner. We were just look her up. She's awesome. But she just pivoted so many times she did these crazy dance parties and then she did cookies and now she's a business person, but she just had pivoted so many times.
So I was like, I think something in that direction might be for me. ? She just had this strong brand everywhere she went with these major pivots.
Kimber: That makes sense. I mean, I get that because my thing started out with bad painting, Painting, bad portraits for people. And now I'm doing a podcast which is really not related, but my brand has kind of stayed the same.
Jen: Totally. Yeah.
I think that's such a perfect example. What is such a perfect example of , just get started, ? Who cares, where you start just start somewhere and it will pivot and it may seem like a huge pivot, but it's probably, actually not.
Kimber: I'm someone that changes my mind a lot, ? Like, oh, this doesn't quite fit what I want. Okay. This sounds fun. This sounds fun. And this business class, I just took, I love that she says clarity comes from action and give yourself full permission to try something out and then change your mind because that's how you move forward.
That's how you figure out what you're doing. I don't know if you felt this way, but sometimes I felt embarrassed like, oh man, I've changed my mind again. I'm painting this. Now I'm doing yoga mats. Everybody's watching me. And I don't think people care as much as we think they care when we change our minds and pivot.
Totally. And I think people who are watching, most people probably aren't watching. .
They're not noticing, but the people who are watching I think are probably just like, she's so freaking cool. Look at her, she's doing all the things. She's doing yoga mats and she's doing a podcast and she does these paintings, people who are watching either they're haters and that's on them or they just think you're amazing.
Kimber: So tell me about what kind of clients seem to be attracted to you and what kind of things do you find yourself coming back to over and over again with your different clients?
Jen: This is such a good question, because at my first glance, I think , oh, it's moms or it's entrepreneurs. I work with moms or entrepreneurs or people who are both are who want to be both. But that's such a surface level thing. . Because for a long time, I thought that's what it was, but it's , it's people who- I hate that I'm going to say this, but it's people who've been brainwashed by the patriarchy, their whole life and have bought into this idea of , You can go and do your thing as long as you are happy and calm and pretty, and everyone around you is happy and calm and pretty first, ? As long as you take care of everyone else, then it's okay for you to go off and have this dream of yours.
And you need to be with. Happy and calm and pretty while you're doing the dream. In the, in the book Burnout, she calls it a human giver syndrome. We've been conditioned to believe that there are human givers and there are human beings. And human givers, their whole purpose is to just make sure that the human beings get to live their fullest and most complete lives.
And so I find a lot of people who want to become human beings, . They've been being human givers, their whole life, and they're like wanting to. Reach their fullest potential now. And it's not as like, like it's not the things that you think would be in the way, ? It's not like there is some fear and there is some, I don't know how, but there's also a lot of times just this layer of like, is it even okay for me to go and do this thing?
Kimber: Yeah. And I think, man, I had so many thoughts while you were talking. Cause everything you said so resonated with me, but a couple of things, one, I think some people, when they hear those words, the patriarchy, , brainwashed by the patriarchy, those are super triggering people have their own ideas of what that means.
Can we dive a little bit into what is this, what is the patriarchy that everyone has been speaking of
Jen: 'cause I'm the same way too. I think. Yeah. It was so triggering for me as I am like, I hate that I'm even going to say this. I just think of it as like we've been in this patriarchal society, . Where men go and do the things and women stay home and take care of everyone. And it's like in our DNA to just take care of people.
And to put our needs second, third, fourth, fifth, or like last, . So that's what I think of when I think about it. I mean, obviously there's more to it. We could be here all day, but.
Kimber: Before we got on this call, I was listening to the Man Enough podcast. It's the episode that my friend Ana who I had previously, she recommended this podcast episode. And just today, I finally started listening to it. And on this podcast, they're interviewing a nonbinary person, a non-gendered person.
Kimber (2): Who is also a scholar. And they are talking about how this gender binary that we all what's the word, like, believe in that's just like given. So that's the word I was looking for. Subscribed. Yes. This gender binary that we all subscribe to and think is like, just the way things are is a very new construct they were talking about how we're only we're 99.9% the same in our DNA.
Kimber: And it wasn't until. The 18th century, when gender got politicized and fashion got politicized and I haven't finished this podcast, but it is so fascinating. And he's talking, sorry. They are talking about how this gender binary really does hurt both genders. So when we talk about the patriarchy, I think it's like our first instinct to be like men, the men have oppressed everybody, but really it's a system that has forced us all to live in these roles.
Kimber (3): And in this podcast, they are talking about how transgender people, non-binary people are on the frontline. For letting us all be whoever it is we want to be and not have to step into these predetermined roles. And they also talk about how the violence that we show toward trans people, whatever nonconforming people is because of a self hatred we have for ourselves.
Kimber: isn't that crazy? That blew my mind.
Jen: Yeah, She talks about that in burnout too. Like whenever we see someone try to go against the norm, try to get out of human giver syndrome. It's like, we want to throw them back down into it because we're scared for us to get out of it.
Kimber: Yeah, I haven't heard of this book who wrote burnout.
Jen: That's Emily is the girl who wrote Come As You Are
Emily. I have that book right behind me. It's a hard
Jen: Yeah. I
Kimber: it. So I will link the book in the, in my show notes on my website so that people can see it. No, I don't know.
Jen: I think to bring it back a little bit, there's all these things that?
get in the way of us, being who we want to be and doing what we want to do that aren't always obvious. We, we think like a lot of times this is like such a interesting example of me.
So many women come to me and they're like, I'm going to start a podcast or I'm going to write a book or I'm going to, whatever, as soon as I get the laundry done, like as soon as I get to the end of this to-do list. . But it's like, obviously it's not really the to-do list. . The to-do-list is never going to get done.
So it's like diving in there and being like, what's actually. What's actually stopping you from doing the things you want to do from being who you want to be. . And it's so nuanced. And so the kinds of things we're talking about here that you would never think is what's holding me back.
So that's the work I get to do is like dive into people's brains and be like, what's really going on.
Kimber: And you're so good at it. , I've had a couple sessions with you, and this is the exact thing that I came to you for. This feeling of have all these things I want to do, but I feel like I have to be the good enough mom first. And you're like, what does that look like? Let's write down all the things that you think you have to be doing to be the good enough mom.
I think I could have filled the whole journal
With the things in my head that for whatever reason, I expect myself to be able to do or think I should be able to do in order to be good enough for my kids. So let's talk about that for a little bit, like this idea of good enough. How do we find ways to be okay with where we're at, , to love ourselves where we're at instead of.
Place in the future, this high, ideal that we've set for ourselves.
Jen: Yeah. So, one thing I will say about this is what we're talking about right now is would I like to call a manual? , It's like we have a manual for our motherhood. We have a manual. Like an owner's manual, an instruction manual. I think about it, like if I can share this example, I had a dishwasher that was brand new and it was stuck.
Every time I ran it, it would stink. And so I looked in the owner's manual and it said, oh, that's normal. It's supposed to stink the first couple of times you run it. So then I was like, okay, no big deal. I'm not going to call the repairman, like, just get on with it. So a manual in that sense is really helpful, ?
The owner's manual. Told me what to do, but it's like, we have all created these manuals, ? Like you said, I could have just written pages and pages about who I think I'm supposed to be, to be good enough to be a mother. And we didn't like consciously, like no one handed you a motherhood, manual.
Although I kind of wish they would have, but nobody handed you that you've just collected that through the years. ? , based on what your mom did or based on all the things, . The Disney movies, everything like contributes to this manual. Yes. Pinterest for sure. And it's not just motherhood, ?
That's just one example. We have it for all the roles that we play, everything that we do, there's probably a manual for how you're going to podcast or whatever. But I think one of the places to your question about how to love ourselves, where we are is to take a look at , what are these expectations that I'm holding myself to and where did they come from?
And are those even the expectations that I want to have, ? It's like, I'm over here and I want to be over here meeting all these expectations, but do I even really want to be over there? , is that manual that I've subscribed to, is that even really the ideal and what makes that so much better than being here?
It's a good place to start.
Kimber: Yeah, I agree. It's probably why mindfulness is such a good idea.
Jen: It always comes back to mindfulness.
Kimber: Which you also have a background in Talk to us a little bit about that.
Jen: Yeah, I got into it. Well, I'd kind of like dabbled in yoga my whole life, but I'm not my whole life, but I dabbled in yoga for years. And then when my third baby was born, I was like, oh, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm losing my mind. And I was going to this yoga class and I watched my yoga teacher and she was just so like, Zen.
I was like, whatever she knows, I need to know that. So I went and got yoga certified. And I think sometimes when people hear that.
You think it's the yoga it's meditation, it's this whole thing, but like you said, mindfulness, ? You didn't say yoga, like to me, mindfulness is just, it's not an extra thing.
It's just doing what you're doing. . It's not like I'm going to go make dinner and I'm going to be mindful. It's just, I'm going to be mindful of myself making dinner. Now I'm chopping the carrots and listen to my knife, hitting the cutting board. And now I'm stirring the soup and now I'm . It's just being in the room.
Kimber: It's letting this moment be enough, ?
Jen: Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's so interesting to think back to your question about, , what, when I get there, like, what do we think is going to be so much better when we get there, ? Like, let's say you do check all those boxes and you do, , you're doing the Pinterest motherhood thing.
What's going to be better. They're like, what, what emotions do we think we're going to be feeling? What are we going to be believing about ourselves and our, those emotions and those beliefs just available right now in this moment.
Kimber: like I should have my brains like working at half-speed today.
Jen: Totally good. I just thought you say something and I'm like, I'll just talk about that all day.
Kimber: That's perfect. I've found in my own life that when I am consciously remembering to practice mindfulness. And like you said, sometimes if people aren't experienced with this, you hear these words, meditation, yoga, mindfulness, and it just feels like one more overwhelming thing that you should be doing that you're not doing, but all it is.
Is doing what you're already doing and paying attention to it instead of , going through the checklist in your brain. After I do this, I gotta do this. After they do this, I gotta do this. And instead, just being like, oh, I'm here, I'm folding laundry.
What do the clothes feel like in my hands? , what does the laundry detergent smell like? And really tapping into your senses and being there. When I'm making the choice to not worry so much about my future and to just be here now, all those emotions that I'm chasing, these emotions of satisfaction and happiness and feeling like I'm enough and loving the life around me, they're already there.
I just haven't sunk in enough to notice that they're there. I think there's somewhere. Out away from me, some goal I need to reach. It's so easy to forget that though.
Jen: I love what you said about like it being so feeling so overwhelming and feeling like one more thing you have to do, because I think a lot about mindfulness is the second you realize you're not being mindful. . You're driving in the car and you realize like, oh, I haven't been paying attention to the last 15 minutes.
I don't even know how I got here. Like that is mindfulness. The moment you realize you haven't been doing it, you're doing it. . So it's almost like even when you get it wrong, you got it right.
Kimber: Yeah. Yeah, because it's just, all it is, is being aware, being aware of your thoughts, being aware of where you are.
Jen: And it's such a, like, like you said, like chasing the future, if we're in the present, there's almost never a problem in the present now I'm not going to say never. . But almost never. It's like the problems come when we're in the past where we're trying to anticipate the future. But in the moment, all those feelings that we want are already there.
Kimber: Yeah. It's like, do you know who Byron Katie is?
Jen: Byron Katie.
Kimber: I do too. And I follow her on Instagram and she had a little thing pop up that said something like, other than all the things your thoughts are telling you right now, are you basically, okay. It's such an interesting thing to think like, oh, Yeah. Yeah. I guess I am.
We spend so much of our time telling ourselves you're not doing enough. You got to do this, you got to do this next thing. Questioning ourselves and beating up on ourselves and to just be like, oh, other than the suffering I'm causing myself by my thoughts. I'm okay.
Jen: I just did. That's kind of a tangent, but I just did a training in hypnotism and like subconscious coaching and the trainer, I loved her. She just kept saying, this is all made up. She's like, make something up. She's all, this is all just made up. She's like our client's problems are imaginary. They're all made up. So the solutions can be made up too. I just love that. Cause it's like, it is, it's all just happening in our head. It's all just these stories that we're telling ourselves, we're making it up. So it's like, you can make up anything you want to
just kind of solve it.
Kimber: this ties into my next question, which was going to be K. So you have this background in mindfulness and in being in the moment, and you're a life coach, which is very much a goal oriented thing. ? How do you tie these two things together?
Jen: I love this question because I think it like speaks to how we see goals. . It's typically like, something's wrong with me? Something's broken. . It's like the personal development world at large. It's just like, let's fix all of your flaws. Let's make a list of everything that's wrong or let's set this goal.
And then when we achieve it, then we will have made it. Then we will have arrived. And I look at it just like, let's just start that paradigm out. And I think we've talked about this before, like the idea of like, there's this seed and the seed is already perfect and amazing and whole, and then it's going to become a sapling and.
It's already. Perfect and amazing. And it's not like it's broken, ? You've got this little sapling here. It's not like it's a bad doing a bad job being a tree. And it's not going to be happier and more fulfilled and more satisfied when it's a tree, it's just being a sapling. And so the idea is we're not setting the goal.
Jen: We're not doing these things for the future because we think that when we get there, we will arrive at something. Everything is great now. And my question is always what sounds fun. ? That's not a question that resonates for everyone. A lot of people are like, that's too fluffy or whatever, but it's like, my motivation is always what's fun.
And that's, I think the key, ? What's the motivation. Why are you setting the goal? Don't set the goal because you think you're going to feel better. You're going to like yourself better, or you're going to be seen as successful. Cause we will always be chasing that. If that's what it is, you'll get there and then you'll be like, oh, but people still don't think, I mean, you'll have to set a new goal and a new goal, and you'll just be on this hamster wheel of trying to prove something.
If we come at it from I'm good. I'm whole, I'm lovely. What sounds fun or what sounds like a challenge or what sounds interesting? What am I curious about? Where do I want to grow next?
Kimber: Yeah. As someone who, fun has never been a motivator for me. I don't know if I've just been trained this way or I came into the world this way, but I love things to be productive or, deep conversations, which I guess are fun. But I thinking of like the color code, . I have no yellow in me at all.
Fun is like a word that I think I have a lot of resistance come up for me when I hear this word. In fact, I had my grandpa thought fun was , almost a dirty word. Like people these days, they just think everything's supposed to be fun all the time. And, and the older I get, the more I realized, like, but that is what it's about.
We're here to find what makes us happy and lights us up and bring us joy. And maybe that is checking some things off of a to-do list, but there's
Jen: Maybe it is productivity,
Kimber: Yeah, but there's no inherent worthiness in checking off a box, ? It's about whatever joy that can bring you, not about where you're going to get, but, but to use the cliche, like enjoy the journey.
Jen: Yes. It's a cliche because it's true. What you're saying about your grandpa is such a good point. Your grandpa doesn't think life is about being fun, but I do. And who's right. And I don't even like the right wrong paradigm. It's just like, Cool. Your grandpa doesn't think it's about fun, but I think it's about fun.
And if that's working for him great and fun is working for me. So great. I think each of us gets to decide what even is life about. And I think that's a great place to start. What is life about for me? What is life not about for me? And then from there. Okay. What do I want to do with this information?
For me, it's about fun. And so I'm going to find ways. To have fun. It's sometimes fun as stretching myself, seeing what I'm capable of seeing how many boxes I can check off in a day. But knowing why you're doing what you're doing.
Kimber: So to go on with this idea of fun, what happens when you start. You know, you have this big, hairy, audacious goal. That sounds fun. And that's where you want to be. But there's resistance that you meet along the way to get there. . And overall, like it's a fun, let's use my podcast. I am having a blast doing this podcast.
It is so much fun. It lights me up, but there are some things along the way that aren't so fun, ? Trying to figure out how to use WordPress and get a website up. I've finally started figuring it out, but there've been a few days that like, it's been horrible and I just want to hit my head against a wall because it's not fun.
So what would you say about that? Do you wait until things are fun? Are there times that you push through?
Jen: I have a couple different thoughts about this one is I always just loved the mantra "this is the fun part." before I start any new segment of whatever I'm doing, like, this is the fun part. And sometimes it feels true and sometimes it doesn't, but you can just kind of like, is it possible that this might be the fun part, ?
Like I can't figure out the WordPress site. What if this is the fun part? What is this the part where. I don't know, whatever sounds fun about it. ? Maybe it's this is the part where I'm in this struggle and I get to watch myself be in a struggle and I'm so proud of myself for being in the struggle.
Maybe it's the fun part because I finally figured it out and then I get to see like, I'm so proud of myself. I feel so accomplished. , I think it's a fun idea to, to introduce, ? With the example of the podcast, there's lots of chunks that don't feel fun, but what if they were the fun part.
I've been doing with my day and it's like, I'm brushing my teeth. This is the fun part. Like, oh, it kind of is like, it brings it back to mindfulness, ? Because it's like, oh, I'm feeling the minty toothpaste hit my gums and I can smell it. And it's kind of fun. And maybe fun's not the right word for everyone.
It's obviously a word that resonates with me. It doesn't want to other people, but it's like, this is the moment that I'm in. You could even strip the fun and just be like, this is the moment that I'm in and I can be with myself. In this moment. The other thing I will say about this idea of parts not being fun.
So the one is like, it can be fun. ? You can make it fun if you want it to be fun. The other thing is like, it doesn't always have to be fun. . And I think like what I'm saying here could be used, you could use that to beat yourself up, ? Like it's supposed to be fun and I'm doing this because it's fun.
Jen: Yeah. And just accepting, like some people use the number 50, 50, like life is supposed to be positive 50% of the time and negative 50% of the time, which I don't really love those percentages, but like acknowledging that some parts of life are going to be, you're not going to feel the way you want to feel.
Kimber: There's there are some stigmas around these emotions that we view as negative, sadness, sadness, and anger. Anger is, is actually an emotion that for me, I'm trying to lean into more at this point in my life because I'm, I'm figuring out, oh, this isn't emotion and sadness too. These are emotions that my whole life I've pushed down and not wanted because they're bad.
. I should feel happy. I should be having fun. But when we can recognize these feelings of frustration and anger and sadness also have a place and that they're not necessarily bad emotions, they serve us.
Jen: I work with a coach friend that calls them, or she just doesn't name them anymore. She's like, I used to label it anxiety And I'm experiencing anxiety, but she's like, that word was so triggering for me. And I had so much baggage around it. She was like, I just call it a surge of energy now. I'm feeling a surge of enrgy in my body.
And I love that. Cause it's like, it's just energy. .
Kimber: And labels have such power.
Jen: Yeah. And, and they're useful when they're useful and they're not, when they're not . You kind of play with it and see what's useful for you.
Kimber: Have you watched the show, The Good Place?
Jen: Sort of, it got ruined for me somehow. We started in the middle and we like watched. So we like, anyway,
Kimber: It's kind of a silly show. I didn't love it as much as some people, but I love the overarching message of it. And spoiler alert, I'm going to talk about. The end. So those of you listening that don't want the spoiler,
Jen: That's how it was for me. I saw the end before I saw the beginning.
Kimber: well, I'm not going to spoil it for you, everybody else listening, if you don't want the spoiler fast forward, like 30 seconds or a minute into this podcast, I'll try not to get too detailed, but the idea is they finally get to the actual good place and it doesn't have any meaning for anybody because everything is so easy and so good.
That everyone's kind of miserable. I don't know if they would even give it that name and they have to come in and find ways to like, Th they find a way to make it so that it has meaning again, and it has to do with this idea of opposition. . Such a fascinating thought because so many of us have tried to get through this life as if it's a checklist for even the next life.
?Well, if I do this, this, this, this, and I don't have any fun here because I'm doing all the right things to get to whatever afterlife I believe in, then I'll be happy. Cause I've done it all right here. And then to think , if everything's good all the time, I wouldn't even appreciate it. That was such a mindblowing thing to think about.
Cause that's kind of what a lot of us think about the afterlife as it's this perfect everything's easy place and maybe that's not what we want.
Jen: Yeah. Yeah. I love the idea of opposition. And, the paradox of things. I love having this conversation because I'm realizing my definition of fun. Isn't always fun. ? Quote, unquote fun. Like I love to go do a really hard workout and be sweaty and I push myself and that's fun, ? Like, yeah. Fun. Isn't always easy.
I guess fun can be hard too.
Kimber: Yeah. Yeah. And, and sometimes hard things can feel. Easy to o. when we get into all these little label words, you can really deconstruct them and start thinking of them in new ways. Which I think is why I like to come back to these words of authenticity and alignment for me. I think alignment is my word more than fun, ?
Like, does this align with who I am? Am I doing this in a way that feels true to me? And so. Anything that I feel like I should be doing or that I need to have in my life to be a fulfilling life. I try to find ways to make it very Kimber, , like , how do I want to work out?
Because I'm not the kind of person that's going to go pump weights at the gym, just because I want to have muscles, everything I do needs to feel like myself. So the way I incorporate into my schedule, the kind of movements I do. Listening to certain music while I do something, doing something and drinking some yummy cozy tea latte that I love, finding ways to make these things that I want to be doing or in some cases feel like I need to do feel aligned with who I am.
Jen: I love that word alignment. It makes me like what you're describing to me sounds so intentional. ? It's not, I'm going to go do this thing just to check a box because they said we're supposed to work out. It's why am I even doing this? Like, what's important to me in this situation and I'm going to do it in a way that feels in alignment.
And it feels like it's meeting the actual goal of what we're doing here.
Jen: Abraham Hicks calls it segment intending. Every time you start a new segment of your day. What's your intention for this? Like just briefly, , like 10 seconds, like I'm gonna sit down to record a podcast. Now what's my intention for doing this.
And when I'm done with this, I'm going to drink a glass of water. Maybe not that small as segments but each little chunk of your day, what's your intention for that chunk?
Kimber: Yeah, I've heard Abraham Hicks talk about segment intending a little bit, but when it really clicked for me, I took this parenting class it's called Present Play. And I can not remember the girl that does it right now, but she. This idea of segment intending, when she's talking about setting a rhythm for your family and she kind of schedules it out.
And then, and then you kind of intentionally put into your schedule, like, where are these points of segment intending going to be? And so she's like, this is the time of the day that is about. , when I wake up, it's my preparation time or my time to align with myself. So what's my intention for this, this part of my day.
And who, who am I during this part of my day, I'm relaxed, I'm calm, I'm awake. and then when that segment of the day's over, we're going to move into time to get ready for school time. What's your intention for this time?
It's to be, , punctual and, and who are you during this time? Like, this is the no nonsense time of the day, or, at nighttime, this is the warm, cuddle time of the day. And to be able to break the day up and not have to be all of the things all of the time, which is so hard for me and be like, oh, I can intend different things at different part of the day.
I can have a part of my day where it's do not interrupt me. I'm in business mode part of the day and a I'm now the warm cuddly mom come snuggle me part of the day. I love that.
Jen: I love that too. Yeah. Well, and your piece about, I can have the part of the day where I'm like not interrupting, that comes back to that like human giver thing, . That I think for so many of us. It's like, is it really okay for me to be a human being? Is it okay for me to set this boundary and say, I'm taking this little chunk of time where I intend to do something for me.
And my answer is like, yes, of course it is, but it's taken me a long time to get to that place. Like, I, I don't know if you resonate with this, but the Moana song where she's like, I wish I could just be The perfect daughter and just like sit on my island and whatever, but it's like, no, I want to go out and , see what my ship can do.
Kimber: The trickiest thing about this human giver verse human being thing is that Everyone that you surround yourself with, especially, I feel like if you're in a lead parenting role, you're surrounded by people that want you to be the human giver, ? How do people find self validation that they can be a human being?
When the people they love the most want them to be a human giver?
Jen: Well, it's an interesting question because in the book burnout, she talks about, we present this to college students. We present this idea to like different groups and say like, what do you propose? What's the solution? And everyone says like, everyone should just be a human being.
Everyone should just get to be a human being and be fulfilled and satisfied. And I don't remember exactly what she says, but basically she's like, I think it would work better if everyone's a human giver?
and everyone gives.
Which like, as I'm saying that, it's like, no, we should both be both. So maybe, maybe whatever she's saying, we can just take with a grain of salt and we can be the experts here too.
Kimber: I feel like sometime, probably last year, maybe the year before, I feel like I had this epiphany that the greatest gift that I could give someone else is to be in charge of my own happiness and that the greatest gift I could be given by someone else is for them to be in charge of their own happiness.
And I don't think, I think that's something you really have to think through to make it make sense. I probably discovered it around my birthday because for my whole life, especially my mom who is a human giver, it's a frustrating time because she wants to please me. And I'm not always the easiest person to please.
But if I can take responsibility for like, oh, this is what makes me happy on my birthday. I'm not going to expect everyone else to read my mind and figure that out. I'm going to go do what makes me happy on my birthday. And then to also not feel like I have to read other people's minds and set, set their boundaries for them. Or figure out how to make them happy, if everyone could just , figure out how to make themselves happy? I think part of what makes us happy is giving to others, ? It's not like we'd all become the selfish, never help each other culture. Cause happiness does come from loving, but to not expect each other, to always be mind reading and resent each other for not meeting our needs the way we need them to be met, because we're the only person that knows what we need to be happy.
Jen: And sometimes we don't even know there's a great clip of Will Smith that goes around the internet And talking about him and his wife. And he's like, I just reached the point where I was like, I'm going to stop trying to make you happy. He's like, I don't think you even know how to make yourself happy.
You go figure out what makes you happy. I'm gonna figure out what makes me happy. And then we're just gonna, which I think sometimes can sound really cold. But like what you're saying, like, you kinda have to dig in there. It really is like the most loving, generous thing you can do to just be like, I'm going to come here.
And I already love myself and I don't need things from you and you don't need things from me. And we're just here because we want to be.
Kimber: And I give you permission. I give you permission to be happy. I give you permission to do what makes you happy instead of feeling like you have to sacrifice your happiness to make me happy and vice versa, because that is a system that I think we've been trying for way too long and it doesn't work.
Yeah. It's like a little bit of a Mart well not a little it's a martyr vibe, Like I'm going to sacrifice my happiness for your happiness,
but then I'm not happy and you're not happy. Like neither one of us wants that.
Kimber: And that's the model where I feel like most of us are working from, and it's really hard to step away from that model, but I really don't think that model works.
Jen: Yeah. The quote I love is like I'm the only one who could give my children a happy and fulfilled mother or something like that. It's like, that is the best gift you could give your kids is just a mother that is happy and fulfilled and you can't give that to them. If you're like trying to give every single drop you have, , it's the cliche, like put on your oxygen mask before you help someone with theirs, ?
If you don't have oxygen flowing, you have literally nothing to give.
Kimber: I've been surprised that motherhood has transformed me in that way. I think partly because I had two girls. And so now my life decisions, instead of just being about like, oh, how can I make their childhood perfect. A lot of it for me has been who, what model do I want to set for them? Am I living a life that I would encourage them to live?
Or am I showing them that to be a woman is to sacrifice your happiness for your kids, because I don't want that for my kids to, I don't want to continue this cycle of martyrdom and joylessness.
Jen: Yeah, I have chills when you say that. I've even had conversations with my daughters about this, like one time they wanted me to go do something and I was like, yeah, maybe, , give me five minutes and I'll do it. And she's like, but I want you to do it right now. And I'm like, do you, we don't want to live in a world where just because you want something, somebody has to do it for you.
And like when you're a mom, are you going to want five minutes to sit down and take a break? And I just think it's fun to get their wheels turning now. Like, oh yeah. What kind of life am I gonna want then?
Kimber: And by us taking up our own space, we are giving them skills as kids that, that they wouldn't get if we met their every need. One word that my five-year-old knows cause I say it a lot is you're resourceful. You'll figure out. Or like when I am doing my own thing and she's asked me like five times to get the scissors out because she loves to do crafts and I'm in the middle of something.
She'll go get it. And then she'll come tell me mom, look I made, I got all this stuff out and. She doesn't get in trouble for making messes because I like her to be independent. And I will say, look how resourceful you are. Look, you don't need me to meet your, every need. I'm here for your basic needs.
I'm here to keep you safe. I will keep you fed, but, but I think it's important for our kids to know that their happiness is not our responsibility, Our responsibility, I feel like as parents is to. Meet our kids' basic needs, but it's not my responsibility to make sure my child is happy all of the time, which I think is a bar that a lot of us set for ourselves as moms.
Jen: Well, I think you said it's important. It's important for our kids to know it's important for us to know first, ? Like, like we talk about,
the motherhood manual. It's like we're operating from this unconscious thought that like yeah.
The goal is to make them happy all the time and it's like, that's not even the goal.
We don't even want them to be happy all the time. That'd be super weird.
Kimber: And not helpful for them. And how sad for them to learn that it's someone else's job to make them happy coming back to this idea of if we can take charge of our own happiness, I think it's good for our kids to learn. Like, what makes you happy? What can you do that doesn't require me to go buy every piece of candy and, you know, , whatever and how empowering for our kids to learn that they have that amount of power over their own lives.
Jen: Yeah, I've heard this taught As like emotional childhood and emotional adulthood. Like when you're a kid, someone takes your candy bar away. Like you think you can't be happy until you get that. Like, that's the only reality, , like you're just in emotional childhood, you think your happiness is dependent on that candy bar.
And as you get older, like step into emotional adulthood, you realize there's other candy bars, or I can wait 20 minutes or I don't actually need a candy bar to be happy. . But I find myself slipping back into emotional childhood all the time thinking like, oh, I need the kids to take out the trash so that I can be happier.
I need my husband to do this, or I need my clients to whatever. And it's like, we split back into this place of thinking that something outside of us is going to create our happiness. And it's such, like you said, it's such a disempowering place to be. It's like you give the remote control to your emotions, to someone else.
Instead of like, I actually get to create my experience for myself.
Kimber: Yeah . Let's go ahead and wrap things up. If there's like one overarching takeaway or one message that you would really like the listeners to come away from this podcast episode with what is it?
Jen: This is a good question. I just had a human design reading where they told me that one of my opportunities for growth is big picture. Like it's really easy for me to get in the, this and the, this. And it's like, what is the big picture of all of this? I love this question.
I feel like the big picture takeaway is just, that, it's okay for you to get more of what you want and to have less of what you don't want in your life and that, I think it's important to stop and evaluate what that is. What are the things that are working that I want more of?
What are the things that aren't working that I want less of and how to make that happen? And sometimes it's as simple as that . Stopping and being like, okay, this is what's really working. This is what's not. And sometimes we need help. Like being able to reach out for support in whatever form you have to figure out how to get more of what you want.
And less of, what's not working.
Kimber: That's perfect. If people are interested in getting more of your awesomeness life coaching or following you on Instagram, what are the best ways for them to find you?
Jen: Instagram is the best place I like to hang out in Instagram stories mostly. And it's just, @heyjenkane. And then I also have an email list. I send an email once or twice a week with some of like, how do I describe them? Just like the best lessons that I'm learning. Like I'm always just learning things.
It's like, what's the best thing I learned this week. Share that with everyone.
So Instagram and email.
Kimber: That's your emails are my favorite emails in my inbox. If I don't have time to read them, I just save them and don't open them until I have
Oh my I love that.
Kimber: they're just little treasures every time I love them.
Kimber: Thanks for joining me today. If you want to get more nurturing around living an authentic life, you can follow me on Instagram at just be your best self. Or join me for the just beer bed, self retreat in January, 2022. To get more info, go to just be your best self.com. Your invitation this week. Keep the gift of being in charge of your own happiness and letting others be in charge of theirs.
This may be a huge shift for some of you. But play with this idea and see what comes up. If you enjoyed this podcast and want to leave a review, subscribe to the podcast or share it. You have my heart. That's it from me. Now, just be your bad self.
Jen Kane is an integrative life and mindset coach for women doing really cool things in the world. But pretty much anyone who's ever been in her zoom room just calls her a magician. She believes that every woman (especially the highly ambitious) needs a place to come set it all down, sort through it, and decide what to do next. Leaving you feeling lighter, more joyful, and ready to go make your mark.v
Here are some great episodes to start with!